Bob Morris Earns His "I'm a Total Dipshit" Badge

Next thing you know, he'll be accusing them of planting "mind-control" devices in the Thin Mints! Moron!

Boehner Crying?

$970.95

Spring semester begins on Monday, and I recently visited the campus bookstore to purchase my textbooks. This semester I am only taking four classes, so I assumed that it would be easier to just go to the campus store rather than going to the trouble of trying to locate cheaper alternatives online and "stressing out" waiting for them to ship. Wow, what a mistake that was! I thought I was going to need a cardiac specialist on the scene when the cashier told me the balance... $970.95.

Now, while I fully understand that there is much effort, and countless hours of work involved in creating and publishing a college textbook... I can't help but wonder, "what's up with that??!!" REALLY! That's about a third of what my tuition was for the semester! Crazy!

Anyway...after regaining consciousness, and wondering if I should change my major so that I could somehow become a "professional textbook creator", (I'm sure THAT would give new meaning to a B.S.!) I wrote out the check. And, soon, I found myself hauling about two tons of economic theories and accounting principles out the door. So, I guess if the shock from the prices doesn't kill you, the extreme workout so close after the holidays will surely finish you off!

Well, I have much to do around the house before Monday, so I must cut this post short. Thanks for listening to my rant. Hope that everyone had a fantastic holiday season!

Despicable Me

I must be the most pathetic blogger who ever lived! To be honest, it's actually been so long since my last post, that I almost forgot that I have a blog! Oh the shame! Nevertheless, there's little to be gained by dwelling on my blatant disregard for the resulting disappointment of my fans (both of them), who rely on my wit and humor to break up the monotony of life between therapy sessions.

In an attempt to justify my absence, allow me to give you a brief rundown of my life over the past few years. Feel free to microwave a bag of popcorn while I compose my thoughts and prepare the fascinating "highlight reel" of my life.

Well, for starters, I decided to return to college in Fall of 2009 to earn my B.S in Business/Accounting. The mere fact that I'm blogging during finals week is not only indicative of my reluctance to study for my Calculus exam, but also a desperate attempt to find respite from John Maynard Keynes's Consumption Function Hypothesis. Blogging also holds the potential to keep me somewhat sane as I await my final grade for my business plan project.

In addition to school, I've been busy with the family. It's hard to believe that the baby boy I wrote about in my earliest posts will soon be five years old! And, my oldest will be eighteen next summer! And, a few years back, I managed to successfully potty train both of them! (If I disappear mysteriously after publishing this post...then it's a sure sign that my eldest son doesn't see the humor in this little joke.)

Wow! I just realized how painfully boring it is to listen to me talk about my life. So, to make this "life summary" more entertaining, I'm going to attempt to put it in poetic form. If it helps, just imagine it to the tune of Billy Joel's "We Didn't Start the Fire", but I think I'll just call it, "I Didn't Start the Fire", because I'm such a raging egomaniac. Enjoy!

"I Didn't Start the Fire" by Angela Callahan

Buy a house, return to school, change a diaper, wipe some drool,
Dean's List, laundry pile, dishes in the sink,

Write a paper, read a book, kiss a boo-boo, start to cook,
Paint the kitchen, plant some flowers, take some time to think,

Mopped floor, SpongeBob, barbecue, corn on the cob,
Haul tuba, marching band, so tired I can barely stand!

Making lunch, baloney, Diet Mountain Dew for me,
Study, watch some t.v., nothing going as planned!

I didn't start the fire,
Hannah must be cooking,
did you bother looking?
I didn't start the fire,
but in the smokey fog
there was no time to blog.

Well, you get the idea...

Where does the time go!

Anyway, the purpose of this post is to let all of my loyal readers (or anyone who just happens to stumble upon my blog when Googling "John Maynard Keynes") know that I am making it a New Year's resolution to write at least one blog post per week starting in January. In fact, I am planning to start a new blog, and possibly a website in the near future.

So, I look forward to sharing more morsels of the mundane with you as the new year begins. See you soon...if I survive finals!

Been a Long Time (Since I Rock and Rolled)

It's been awhile since I've taken the opportunity to dust off my laptop and entertain the masses with my pathetic attempt at entertaining prose. LOL Thought I'd take a few minutes to reflect upon the good old days. Now, according to my teenage son, I'm so ancient that the "good ol' days" must surely involve large reptillian creatures roaming a newly formed earth, and such profound advancements in modern technology as "fire", and "the wheel". But, I can assure you as I jettison through my thirty-seventh year on Earth, that the most archaic inventions that I can recall in the hazy corners of my memory are "Atari" and "Cabbage Patch Kids".

I spent countless hours yesterday afternoon, trying to convince my son that somewhere between my nerdy years of high school and the mundane and practical years of today, there lurked an adventurous, popular, and. . .(dare I say it?), COOL, me. I was freakin' awesome! Totally beast! (Okay, okay....maybe not THAT great... but, at least I didn't wear my slippers to the mailbox!)

I used to stay out all night... now, I'm in bed by ten. I used to sing old Zeppelin tunes with the band... now I sing about good manners and the importance of friendship with Barney. I used to eat cold pizza and drink warm beer for breakfast... now, it's something tasteless and whole grain with a side of YUCK.

I've metamorphasized from my former self. The parts that were once smooth are now wrinkled. The parts that were firm are now saggy. I've transformed into this strange being that I hardly recognize from decades past. But, somewhere along the way, I've learned things...gained a wisdom that was once clouded in the midst of too much hairspray... lying dormant deep within myself until I was mature enough to truly understand. I try to tell my kids about the secrets I have learned; try to open their eyes to the realities of life before they have to experience the pain and disappointment of taking the wrong paths. But, they are young, and they know everything.... just as we all think we do at that age.

Somewhere between the after-school snack and an hour of "GuitarHero", I tried to enlighten my son with these words of wisdom:

1. You create your own happiness.... don't look to others to provide it for you.


2. Be yourself. If people don't like you for who you are, then they are the ones losing out.


3. Empathize with others.


4. Always do your best.


5. Listen to your conscience.

The list went on for several minutes, my son feigning attentiveness as he strummed on the plastic-video-game-controller-GuitarHero-thingie. I addressed every issue that I remembered ignoring when my mother spoke to me... many, many years ago.

It was then that I learned one of life's hardest lessons. You can't protect your kids from everything painful in life. It is the pain and disappointments in life, and the way you choose to deal with them that make you an adult. It is dealing with and learning from your mistakes that forms your character. It's something you can't teach. There are no lectures that will soften the blows in life. There's no way to cure every boo-boo with a band-aid and a kiss. You have to let go... even if it's just a little at a time. It's hard.

So, maybe there are countelss differences between my son and I. But, passing through my life...remembering my youth... I can see the similarities. So, yeah....it's been a long time since I rock and rolled. But, I haven't forgot the lyrics yet!

An Ode to Baloney

I was making my kids' lunch yesterday, and wondered to myself, "what exactly is baloney?" I assume it's some sort of meat mixture... a little bit of pork, a little bit of beef, possibly a bit o' chicken thrown in for good measure... some spices and preservatives added to make it more appealing. Everything chopped up, shaped and sliced into little greasy round disks. Mmmmmm.... sounds delightful, huh?!

I've relied on baloney for years to make a quick lunch whenever the kids get bored with grilled cheese or soup. I think that perhaps baloney hasn't received the attention it deserves for it's convenience and dedication to feeding hungry little children everywhere. Even the word "baloney" has come to have derogatory meanings and connotations. How is that fair in the world of cold cuts? Why should "honey chopped ham" and "oven roasted turkey" get all the glory?! Why has baloney... the pioneer of the deli department....become such an outcast?! Oh the humanity!

So.... in honor of baloney, I've written this little poem.



An Ode to Baloney

Baloney... salty, spicy meat
you smell of sweaty, unwashed feet
Within the bread you often sit
a greasy, salty slice o' ........... (I think you get the picture...)

Whenever there's no time to dine
a slice of baloney will do just fine
Tho' your taste doesn't leave us begging for more,
I guess that's what the ketchup's for!

(hey... I never claimed to be a poet!)

Until next time.... enjoy your lunch!

Fight to Lose the Winter Baggage

Well, folks, it's nearly bathing suit season again. (yikes!) Time to shed the extra pounds that won't seem to let go. Time to rid ourselves of our "muffin tops" and get ready to spend hours in a fitting room looking for an article of clothing that we'll probably only wear ten times or so. (BTW....a "muffin top" is that superfluous roll of excess body fat that hangs out over the top of one's pants....reminiscent of the way Play-Doh oozes through your fingers when you squeeze it in your fist.) Unfortunately, mine is more like an "exploding souffle" than a "muffin". And since my treadmill has inevitably become an overpriced coat-rack over the winter months, and the sheer thought of using it makes me want to become bulimic as an alternative... I can tell it's going to be a losing battle. (sigh)

So, here I sit... trying to mentally calculate the yardage of Lycra required to conceal my gelatinous rear-end. I glance over at my collection of workout videos, (some still sealed in their original plastic overwrap) and wince. My old friend, Richard Simmons, stares back at me from the cover of a video case, mocking me. I don't have the energy to "sweat to the oldies".... I don't have the stamina to "Get Down the Pounds"! I'm lucky if I'm not winded when I get back from the refrigerator during the commercial breaks!!

Anyway, being poor, surgery is not an alternative, and I have to think of something! Maybe I could add weights to my wrists when I dunk my jelly filled eclair into my extra grande Cappuccino ? Or perhaps I could order that thingy that Tony Little swore would melt my pounds away on that infomercial I watched last night? (Oh...that's right! I already have a coat-rack!) Perplexed, I reach for a bag of Cheezy Puffs. I always eat when I'm perplexed. LOL

After much thought, I've decided to just wear a T-shirt in the pool this year. (Just like last year...and the year before that....and the year before...)

Heck....I never really liked swimming anyway.