Wednesday, April 9, 2008

Fight to Lose the Winter Baggage

Well, folks, it's nearly bathing suit season again. (yikes!) Time to shed the extra pounds that won't seem to let go. Time to rid ourselves of our "muffin tops" and get ready to spend hours in a fitting room looking for an article of clothing that we'll probably only wear ten times or so. (BTW....a "muffin top" is that superfluous roll of excess body fat that hangs out over the top of one's pants....reminiscent of the way Play-Doh oozes through your fingers when you squeeze it in your fist.) Unfortunately, mine is more like an "exploding souffle" than a "muffin". And since my treadmill has inevitably become an overpriced coat-rack over the winter months, and the sheer thought of using it makes me want to become bulimic as an alternative... I can tell it's going to be a losing battle. (sigh)

So, here I sit... trying to mentally calculate the yardage of Lycra required to conceal my gelatinous rear-end. I glance over at my collection of workout videos, (some still sealed in their original plastic overwrap) and wince. My old friend, Richard Simmons, stares back at me from the cover of a video case, mocking me. I don't have the energy to "sweat to the oldies".... I don't have the stamina to "Get Down the Pounds"! I'm lucky if I'm not winded when I get back from the refrigerator during the commercial breaks!!

Anyway, being poor, surgery is not an alternative, and I have to think of something! Maybe I could add weights to my wrists when I dunk my jelly filled eclair into my extra grande Cappuccino ? Or perhaps I could order that thingy that Tony Little swore would melt my pounds away on that infomercial I watched last night? (Oh...that's right! I already have a coat-rack!) Perplexed, I reach for a bag of Cheezy Puffs. I always eat when I'm perplexed. LOL

After much thought, I've decided to just wear a T-shirt in the pool this year. (Just like last year...and the year before that....and the year before...)

Heck....I never really liked swimming anyway.