Wednesday, January 30, 2008

The Dessert Theory

I've been married for almost ten years now, but I have lots of relationship advice to give you poor young ladies who are going through all the trials of dating. Our society, through the media of trashy romance novels and Lifetime movies, has ruined any chance of a woman having a "normal" relationship. I like to refer to this "brainwashing" as "The Dessert Theory".

In a typical romance novel/movie, the plot usually goes as follows: 1.)Girl meets boy 2.)They fall helplessly in love 3.)They get "comfortable" with one another 4.)They begin to drift apart 5.)The girl at least has the satisfaction of knowing that the guy is pining away...wishing only that she would return to him. She is left with the comfort of knowing that he will be there waiting for her if/when she decides that she wants to "give it another shot".

Well, ladies, I don't think I'm alone in saying, "WTF happened to #5!!!"

This is where the "Dessert Theory" comes into play.

To men, we women are like their favorite dessert. For the sake of argument, we'll just refer to ourselves as "pie". Men really like pie. They probably try all different kinds of pie until they find their favorite. They like having their favorite pie more and more, until it's the only kind of pie that they want.

They like having pie. They don't want it at their house all the time, but they like to keep in on hand when they're in the mood for it. Pie is sweet, and they enjoy it's comfort.
Then, after awhile, they begin to realize that they're getting tired of pie. They don't really say anything, because, after all, some dessert is better than no dessert. Besides, there doesn't seem to be anything else on the menu. As the desire to have pie begins to wane, the relationship slowly dies. Pie is cast aside.

At first, he might think about pie from time to time...miss it occasionally. Then it happens. He meets Jello on the Internet. He can have Jello any time he wants, without the excess baggage that he had to carry around after having pie. All the goodness, without the guilt. Things were so complicated with pie...but in his life, "there is always room for Jello" (*registered trademark). Besides...he likes the way Jello wiggles when she walks.

He bumps into pie later. Pie foolishly expects that he has been craving her in his absence. But, all he can do is go on and on about how great Jello is! Pie calls him in a pathetic attempt to rekindle his hunger...but he doesn't return pie's calls. He has become totally loyal to Jello!
He talks about all of us to his friends on occasion...never anything good. "Pecan was totally nuts...Lemon Meringue turned out to be a tart...Key Lime was too bitter...and Mincemeat - I don't even want to talk about Mincemeat!"

But, her light and simple perfection...was his ultimate choice.

Damn, I hate Jello!!

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